Queen of Rambles

I noticed the book Between Parent and Child by Dr. Haim G. Ginott was absolutely raved over on the Ask Moxie blog, so I decided it would be worth looking in to. I usually agree with a lot of what Moxie says, though I also think she can also be a little over the top sometimes.

Anyway, I got the book and have devoured it. Anyone who has kids or works with kids or has to be around difficult people needs to read this book. I would love to get my sister a copy but I doubt she’d read it. If only she would read it and try to apply the principals! Her life and her children’s lives would be so much easier.

It’s a little hokie in parts because the first edition came out in 1965, but the advice is still very relevant today. I’m used to the politically correct texts that carefully include diverse names and situations. The examples in this book speak of Susie and Jim, Marcia and Billy. That doesn’t mean they are any less applicable to Dion and Fatima, Jesus and Madysyn. It also just kind of assumes a two parent, traditional home but that doesn’t mean the strategies wouldn’t work no matter who was using them.

So what are the strategies? Acknowledge your children’s feelings. Don’t degrade, humiliate or shame your children. Don’t hide your own anger and then explode. Don’t lecture. Make statements, follow through.

Example: Your kid is supposed to clear the table but is being lazy and doesn’t want to do it. Instead of yelling and screaming, or calling him lazy or threatening and bribing, simply state “when the table is clear, dessert will appear.” Full stop. The end.

When your kid comes home and tells you the teacher yelled at him, instead of getting into it, simply say “That must have been really embarrassing. I bet you were mad too.” It defuses the immediate anger instead of escalating. A discussion can take place later.

Your kid does something great. Instead of saying “you’re the most wonderful child in the world!” and making the child uncomfortable and giving the child an unrealistic view of herself (and believe me, I know first hand that too much praise can lead you into a trap. I was terrified of ever being bad or having fun because I always was the good girl and was trapped in that) say “I’m really glad you mowed the lawn. I know it wasn’t easy, but it helped me so much and I really appreciate it.”

There’s a ton more in the book, way more than I could cover in this little post. A lot of it is familiar because it’s been around a long time. I’ve taken enough classes and watched enough Oprah to know the basics, but it was really nice to read it all with all the theory and examples. Following this advice when talking to a child (or anyone!) should make for a much more peaceful home. Erik is a little young for it so there will definitely be a re-read or two in my future. I’m also making Mike read it so we’re on the same page about things.

It’s kind of funny because I follow a very similar approach when dealing with my sister. When she tells me something I often say things like “It sounds like that was hard for you” or “You must have been very angry.” I don’t agree, but I don’t argue. It keeps us from fighting even when I want to wring her neck.

What else is new?

Not much. I almost got in another fight at the gym. Same lady, same argument. If you remember, there is a crazy woman who thinks she is in charge of moving everyone around to suit her whims. I got there first and was standing in my spot under one of the fans. There are three fans, so there’s no reason she couldn’t have stood under any one of them if she wanted a fan. I was minding my own business, warming up my hips with a little salsa, when she was suddenly in my face, her mouth full of crackers, pulling on my arm, telling me I had to stand up front so I could see the teacher better. I hate it when people touch me! Especially people who have a mouth full of cracker that they’re spitting all over me! I wanted to kick her scrawny butt into next week, but instead I told her I was fine where I was and wasn’t moving. I even got in a little dig and told her I got to class early so I could choose the best spot. Did that help? Not really. She was on top of me for the whole class and I thought I might have to bust her in the chops. Where, precisely, are the chops? I need to know for my next chop busting.

And yes, I am a total wimp and full of hot air. I would back down in a fight and probably get my ass kicked, unless my baby was going to be hurt.

Speaking of fights and hurt babies!

We took Erik to the Giant Playground O’ Fun today and I thought I was going to have to do some serious chop busting on a stupid mom and some older kids. The playground has a section that’s for older kids and is quite scary for the little ‘uns. Erik, of course, dragged me all over the thing and I was freaking out about walking over net rope bridges while the monkey scampered along without a care in the world.

There was a family with a little girl about Erik’s age being hauled around by a 12 year old girl. They got her up on the highest rope net, the one I really didn’t want to cross myself, and the girl started screaming. Loudly. She was clearly terrified and I wanted to do nothing more than run up and grab her and make her feel safe. Her sister kept hauling her across it and yelling at her, which didn’t help. Finally the mother, completely exasperated, went up and started yelling at her and dragging on her arm and being mean. Poor girl was still terrified and screaming bloody murder. If ever there was a woman I wanted to beat down, it was that mother. Why to people treat their poor little kids like that? I needed to beat her over the head with this book I’ve been reading.

Off to bed for me. Here’s hoping we have a good night so we’ll have a good tomorrow.

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 24th, 2007 at 9:12 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.