Queen of Rambles

I think I have something wrong with me. When I’m in a social situation I usually find myself looking at everyone around me and wondering how I’m supposed to interact with them. Almost everyone I meet seems like a foreign creature that I can’t relate to at all. At the Halloween party today I didn’t know what to say or do. I tried to strike up a couple of conversations but they petered out before they even got going. I know I’m not a social butterfly–never have been, never will be–but sometimes I wonder if I’m missing some key ingredient that would make me able to comfortably carry on small talk. To be honest, most people just bore me. Bore bore bore bore bore me.

This happened at my reunion as well. I was so excited to see everyone again, but only about five people I cared anything about showed up and most of them were boring boring boring. Only one of them (Hi MB!) exhibited signs of liveliness. The others just wanted to live in a perfect little world where nothing negative ever happens. I think that is the crux of the problem. I am negative. I like to complain. I tell negative stories. I laugh at myself. I don’t think the world is awful and sour and we are all going to die. I think the world is awful and if we talk about it we can laugh and make it a little better. I want to laugh at fart jokes. I don’t want to pretend farts don’t exist. I want to grab my roll of fat and threaten to cut it off with a knife. Everyone sees it so why try to hide it? I don’t want to sit with a perfect little haircut and a perfect little make-up job and worry about my mascara smudging. I can guarantee my mascara will smudge. Is that so wrong to talk about?

At least Erik had fun at the party. Really, there were people there that I think I could like if it was a one-on-one setting and lots of time, but today was crowded and hot and just generally weird for me. Erik didn’t notice. He just ran around in his costume and found lots of toys to play with. He was the only one left in his big bulky costume my the end of the party. The other kids all got too hot so had to just wear their regular clothes. Here’s another reason I don’t fit in–I don’t do motherly things the “right way.” I knew Erik would get way too hot in his costume so I kept him in a little pair of thin, short pajamas. He wasn’t overheated at all. The other moms all had their kids dressed in weather appropriate clothing (turtlenecks, sweaters) under their costumes. I don’t understand. Am I smart because I thought about the heat of the costume or am I a dorky, negligent mother for taking him out in dirt pajamas covered by a dragon suit? I just don’t know. Am I fun-loving because I took a big bowl of witch warts that all the kids loved or am I disgusting because all the other mothers had made really cute little things and thought witch warts were gross? I just don’t feel like I fit in with most of the people in this group.

I wonder if they’d like me better if they could read my thoughts. I think I’m much better in text than in person because I just get so nervous, but then I look at some of the people and think “nah, they wouldn’t be able to concentrate long enough to read a single entry.” At the reunion the B word came up and two of the Miss Priss girls just couldn’t believe that anyone would find blogs interesting or would dare to post their private thoughts online. I didn’t tell them I’m a blogger, but I did laugh up my sleeve and wonder what separates the bloggers from the non-bloggers. How many times do I have to sigh wistfully and wish all my bloggy friends lived close enough for regular meet-ups?

If you can believe it, I’m not even feeling angsty right now. I just am tired of being around people who don’t understand me any better than I understand them. Today was actually a pretty great day because Erik slept for three hours this afternoon. What a coup! He fell asleep in the car on the way home from the party. I brought him up the stairs, laid him on the bed, unzipped his costume, and removed his shoes without eliciting a single peep. He never moved a single muscle for two hours and I was getting really worried that he was on the verge of death. He finally gave out a whine, but didn’t even sit up in bed. I nursed him back down for another hour and about fell over from the shock. I’m guessing it was from the Tylenol I gave him to try to make sure he didn’t get a fever from his vaccinations. (BTW, Ellen, I wanted to get the chicken pox separate but the vaccine they give here has the chicken pox mixed in with the MMR shot.) One of the injection sites is really red and a little swollen so I am trying not to freak out since that’s normal.

I guess I should go to sleep instead of messing around online all night. I almost feel like erasing this whole post since it’s so worthless. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I’m socially awkward. Always have been, always will be.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 25th, 2006 at 8:05 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.