Explosion
(Totally off topic, but our power was out from 3:30 am to almost 1 pm today, which means I didn’t get my blog reading time so if you had something I needed to see you may want to e-mail me).
Is it possible for anger to manifest itself as a physical symptom? If so, my face is declaring that my insides are poisoned by anger and loathing. I have more zits on my face today than I’ve had since I was 13. I guess I say that on occasion, but it really feels true today. Either it’s my ugly innards turning my outside into an accurate representation of me, it’s something hormonal that is also making me want to stab random people in the face with an ice pick, or it’s my white blood cells getting rid of the vestiges of the war they waged against my cold virus. Maybe it’s all three. Either way, I hate being an angry, ugly, pimple-ridden bitch. And make no mistake, I am a bitch.
I can’t stand to listen to Erik cry. Can. Not. Stand. It. He whines for one second and I start screaming at him to “shut up before I give you something to cry about!” What a sweet, wholesome way to speak to an infant. I also say much uglier things and then I hate myself for it. I told Mike to divorce me and find a good mother for Erik–someone who will cherish him and love him all the time, not just when he is happy. There is just one rule for this new marriage. There can be no sex between Mike and this new, perfect mother. They can share a chaste kiss in the evening before they go off to separate beds.
I don’t know where this anger is coming from. People don’t use their turn signals and I go ballistic and seriously want to stab them 10,000 times with an ice pick. I find myself shaking from anger when people won’t get out of my way in the aisle at the store. I hate it. Hate it hate it hate it hate me hate me hate me.
Thank God I am not like this every day. It just strikes me once in a while and I think I seriously need therapy, but then the next day I’m happy-go-lucky.
I have been thinking that I need to get a job, but I don’t want to get a job. I feel like a failure because there is no job that I can even get. I am an intelligent woman, but I am not qualified to do anything other than teach, and even that is iffy depending on the state and their desperation levels. Generally English teachers are a dime a dozen and if you don’t have a Masters you are nothing. I don’t have a Masters because I hate teaching and never want to do it again.
I could do some sort of retail job just to get me out of the house, but the cost/benefit formula doesn’t come out in favor of working. Daycare is shockingly expensive here so unless I basically want to volunteer my time and have my check directly deposited in the daycare’s account I might as well stay home and raise my baby. I want to see my baby all day. I want to take care of him and watch him grow and be the one he always turns to for love and comfort. I don’t want to hear him whine whine whine. I don’t want to change nasty spinach diapers*. I don’t want to fight him when he’s having a temper tantrum because I won’t let him walk around with the phone (I’m afraid he’ll call 911 and I’ll get in trouble).
I’ve thought about subbing on the days Mike is home. That’d work out to eight days a month, assuming I was able to work every single available day. Not too shabby. The problem? All the damned paper work. Transcripts and resumes and letters of reference. Ugh ugh ugh. OK, the real problem is the letters of reference. It’s been five years since I quit my full time teaching job. No one there remembers me. They’ve already given me letters of reference. How often do I have to bug them? My supervisor doesn’t even work there anymore. I don’t know where he works. I didn’t really have a supervisor when I subbed before I had Erik. Who would fill out the reference form. Being a sub is great because you basically have no supervisor or boss. No one knows who you are and no one cares. It sucks because you have no adult contact and are often treated like a ghost–people look right through you and don’t even see you. Honestly, I don’t really want to get into the subbing game again even though it would be perfect for our lifestyle.
In so many ways I feel like I am just wasting my life and my potential. I should do something and be something. But what? I can’t think of anything that I’m passionate about, other than taking care of Erik. And taking care of Erik drives me nuts some days.
No wonder I’m so angry. I’m confused and feel worthless. I just want to fold up in myself and not look or talk to anyone. I get so mood swingy that I’ll probably be over my funk tomorrow, but today I’m a real bear to live with. I don’t know how Mike puts up with me.
*Spinach nuggets are his new favorite food. They look nasty and give him really bad breath. I told my sister I was feeding him spinach nuggets and she said that’s the meanest thing she’s ever heard of. Ironic, since sometimes I want to report her to CPS.
September 19th, 2006 at 8:48 pm
I thought I was the only one feeling this way today.
I’m the opposite on the job front though. I’m all set to sub (even signed up in 3 new districts), but I cannot make myself go to the new districts. I can barely make myself go to the “old” district.
I’m just so upset I don’t know what to do – which drives HH crazy and therefore, me crazy too. When I am blah (which is the word I’ve come up with for this feeling) I just cannot handle him asking, “honey what’s wrong?” every 5 minutes. Good gravy – I DON’T KNOW.
What a long way to say I know how you feel. ;-) Hope tomorrow is better.
September 20th, 2006 at 12:40 am
Yarr (it be pirate day), a bit o’ anger is good for the soul. Have a wee splash o’ grog an’ all will be right wit the world.
Seriously though, I see nothing wrong with wanting to stab someone 10,000 times with an ice pick. It’s the actually doing it that’s the problem. As long as you don’t cross that line, you’re normal.
Re: the job. How about editing? Or find an afterschool tutoring gig where you work one-on-one with kids who need it?
I have no children myself (I know, I know–only bad unsolicited advice can follow, and yet I can’t stop myslef. It must be the pirate rum), but I taught preschool for four years, so I do know that no kid is a joy all of the time, so I can’t help you there. But there this book by Susan Douglas and someone else called _Mommy Myth_ that looks at how the media has built an ideal of motherhood that leaves all women inadequate because real women need breaks from their kids, no matter how much they love them. No idea if you want to read it, but it’s an interesting media study.
September 20th, 2006 at 6:18 am
I know what it is like to have those days, so you have my sympathies. If only small people could be rational. I know lots of paid child care is not a good option for you, but perhaps you could find another Mom and swap off some of the child care – you take one afternoon, she takes another.
You are a good writer, so it seems like you could give freelancing a try. You won’t make a lot of $ at first, but it would be good to be able to talk to grownups sometimes and you’ll get an ego boost if you publish in your own community. You would need some baby-free time for this, but again maybe that could be Mike days or swap with a friend days?
September 20th, 2006 at 7:41 am
Private tutoring in your home or a local library? Pays good. I’m going to start after the Piglet is a few months old.
September 20th, 2006 at 1:10 pm
I hope you find a way to get a little bit of a break from your little one and also don’t be so hard on yourself! Maybe some kind of structured time away would be good for you. Regardless of what you decide to do I’m SURE you will always be the most important person in Erik’s life, no matter if someone else takes care of him sometimes. I always bristle a bit when I hear that argument about it not being worth it to work and have to pay for childcare…that may be true in strictly economic terms, but the way I see it when I pay for childcare (I’m planning for work part-time once my baby is born) I’m paying for regular adult interaction, and keeping my skills fresh and so on. I’m sure you’ll figure all this out…find a way to be a good mom and still maintain your sanity. Good luck!
September 20th, 2006 at 1:10 pm
When I stopped eating sugar and chocolate for a period while dieting, it became clear that my acne was primarily caused by hormone changes. If on top of the hormone changes, I was eating sugar and chocolate (and it was my favorite time for eating those things), then the breakout became so prolonged and ugly that one month barely cleared up before the next batch hit. And G_D forbid we should throw in a little stress along with it, just to make sure one pimple would come out directly on top of the nose! I think if we had an easy way to monitor some of the hormone levels like we can monitor blood sugar, we would see some interesting connections between those hormone levels and both our health and mental processes.
Until then, keep experimenting to find out what works for your body and mind! The worst part is that it can be a spiral, so finding things that break the spiral, even if they aren’t any type of permanent cure, can help you cope.
September 21st, 2006 at 11:55 am
Sorry I’m late in on this.
Hon, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I need a job but I have no skills and daycare is $$ and most of the good ones are full. I know I need to get out with adults more often and I was thinking if I could get the daycare thing worked out I may just be working for my own personal well-being but I’m sure it would help (therapy and meds have not helped).
Hope you figure it out soon. Once you do maybe you can help me!