Queen of Rambles

• I keep getting e-mails saying “more video, more video!” so if you are obsessed with walking cuteness you can click HERE to see another video. I have a feeling I could get obsessed with this video thing. I really want to get a picture of him doing the very un-PC Indian war-cry but when the camera comes out he becomes obsessed with grabbing the lens cap and won’t perform on demand.
• I knew I had another story for the “totally true” post the other day, but I just couldn’t remember. Motherbrain sucks. I really do feel like I’m losing it sometimes. So here’s the story:

  Once upon a time I entered a palace of pink. The people there were insane and peed their pants when offered the silliest of prizes.

  While hosting a church meeting totally devoid of God, one of the faux-preacher ladies stood up and told us we had to help our directors get 28 new recruits. If we just got one new recruit by February, we’d win a FABULOUS prize. Then she held up a napkin. A cloth napkin. Admittedly, I enjoy cloth napkins. In fact, we have gone paper-towelless in our home since reading the first Leaning Green column but was I really supposed to get up and praise Mary Kay over the thought of a napkin?

  When the napkin revelation fell flat, the director took a deep breath and announced that in addition to the napkin, we’d get to eat lunch. . . are you ready for this?. . . on plates! Real plates! China!

  I shit you not. That’s exactly what was said with much squeeing after the word “plate.”

  Her audience of brainwashed pinkos continued to be unimpressed, but she didn’t lose her composure. Instead, she started over and informed us that only the best and brightest would be allowed to attend a special luncheon during a leadership conference. We NEEDED to be at this luncheon because those who didn’t go would have to eat at *gasp* a fast food restaurant and would not get a cloth napkin or real plates.

  Hallelujah! I’m convinced now! Get me a napkin, stat! Do you want to join Mary Kay? It will only cost you $100 the first day then another thousand the next, not to mention your soul.

• Erik has two more teeth about to pop through which has made my life a living hell for the past week. He’s never been one to wake up in middle of the night, but now he wakes up several times SCREAMING in pain, demanding to be nursed. It’s never been my policy to nurse him back to sleep because I am not a pacifier. We were down to a nip at 4 am and I was pleased with that. I try to be strong and refuse to let him nurse, but the screaming. My god, the screaming. I’m scared the police will bust down the door in full riot gear if I don’t give him and stick the nip in his mouth. I don’t like this new development. I hope it ends once those teeth pop through.
• Yesterday I admitted defeat and gave up on scrapbooking Erik’s life. Instead I put all the pictures into regular photo albums and that will have to be enough. Cutesy stickers with engaging narrative be damned. I don’t have the time or inclination to be Super Mom.

  While going through the pictures I discovered that I didn’t ever comb my hair the first four months of Erik’s life. Nor did I sleep, as evidenced by the huge bags under my eyes. Also, you guys have been so kind to tell me he was cute but those first three months? Oy! He looked like a deformed turtle.

• It’s a good thing I know muscle weighs more than fat or I would be totally depressed today. I’ve gained three pounds since starting my intense workout regime, but all my formerly tight pants are falling off my ass so it’s all good.

  The gym has also taught me that Parents magazine doesn’t totally suck like Child magazine. I hate hate hate Child with a white-hot passion. It’s so fake and all about money and being cool. While I don’t plan on running out and subscribing to Parents, it is much more normal. I didn’t see a single fashion spread. Instead it was mainly about crafts and games and recipes. I wish I could read books on the elliptical but I get motion sick when I try so instead I am forced to read magazines with lots of pictures and big print. I don’t even know who 3/4 of the celebrities are.

• Thank you all for the kind words about my grandmother. It’s amazing how many of us have similar elderly women in our lives. I guess it’s a combination of generational culture and aging that makes them so contrary. I’m so glad I can laugh about it because I used to be so angry and hurt all the time.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 29th, 2006 at 3:28 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.