Queen of Rambles

I must confess I’ve been a very naughty girl this week. My ute has demanded chocolate and I’ve been only too happy to oblige. Easter candy is my weakness. I can resist Christmas candy and Valentine hearts, but how can any one with a spark of humanity in their soul resist Cadbury Cream Eggs?

The week of Raging Ute always makes me despondent and self-hating, which makes it very difficult to trick myself into being good. I look at pictures and see the fat. I look in the mirror and see the zits. I look down and see mounds upon mounds of grotesque, pale fat. Instead of renewing my commitment to getting rid of the flab, I binge and cry and am really, really fun to be around. Don’t you want to join my pity party?

My mom sent over some portraits that we had taken while I was visiting and I want to cross my fat face right out of the picture. I hate it and it’s depressing and so I had to eat a bag of M&M Specktacular Eggs. It was required by law.

I don’t even know if I enjoy the chocolate. I just keep stuffing it in my mouth because it is there and I have convinced myself I like it and need it and some magical bippity-boppity-boo fairy godmother will fly into the room and turn me into a princess if only for the split second that the chocolate is melting on my tongue.

I need to see a counselor I think.

I was in dire need of new shorts and forgot my new resolution to only buy nice clothes. I forgot how happy a properly fitted, quality garment makes me. I forgot how cheap, awkward clothing makes me feel cheap and awkward. I thought I’d pick up some cheap shorts and Target, but it was not to be. They only had low rise, high cut fat lady shorts. What fat lady wants to wear low rise, high cut shorts? I’m all for woman power ra-ra-ra you-go-girl self-confidence, but I am not about to bare my ample ass in front of all the young children at the park. Or their mothers. I am somewhat comfortable with my body. I should be. I’ve had 30 odd years to get used to it. That doesn’t mean I want to flaunt my flaws. I want to cover them up as best as I am able.

The Target trip was a bust, so today I left Mike and MisterE at home and decided to engage in a little retail therapy. It was a dangerous gamble. Clothes shopping can brighten my day or send me into a deep abyss of body loathing.

Today was the former. My day is so freakin’ bright that I hope you’re wearing shades.

I went to the Dress Barn, a place I hadn’t been to before. At first I was worried because it was mainly. . . well. . . dresses. Imagine that. I found a ton of dresses I would have liked to try on because teal/turquoise/aqua is MY color. Mine I tell you! My color has finally come into it’s own and I love clothes shopping just for that reason. Of course, I have no use for a dress. I don’t think I’ll wear a dress on my daily walks. Should I just flip the skirt over my head if MisterE needs a little nip? I think not.

Finally I found the type of thing I was looking for, plus a bunch of summery tops. I follow the 100% rule of shopping, so ended up in a long line at the dressing room. I hadn’t really thought of the Easter dress emergency many women were apparently having. Easter? Church? What’s that?

Anyway, I finally made it to the dressing room and tried on thirty-bajillion different things and guess what! Guess! Guess!

I had to buy a size smaller than I usually buy!

It wasn’t a “maybe I could squeeze into it and hope I lose some more weight.” It was “this thing swallows me up!”

I’m very excited. There’s nothing like seeing real, actual results in the form of better fitting clothes to make a person want to throw out all the Easter eggs in this house and continue to banish the fat. All that work is actually paying off. I should have known it was. I am very unhappy with my current wardrobe because all my shirts are showing my bra straps and too much cleavage and it’s extremely annoying. Too bad I only know how to sew quilts or I could try to take some of them in.

It’s time to hop back on the no sugar wagon and try to make the next shopping trip even more exciting by knocking another size off. Ha. Ha ha ha ha. If that happens I will die of shock because I haven’t worn a size 16 since I was 16.
*I try everything on and only buy things that I like 100%. It saves me a ton of money and I end up with a better wardrobe. I don’t buy things just because they are on sale and then never wear them because I hate them. If I find something I really like and it isn’t on sale I’ll buy it and it gets used often and well. I love this rule of shopping.

This entry was posted on Saturday, April 15th, 2006 at 8:27 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.