So This is Worry
I’m a worry wart at heart, but that doesn’t really stop me from doing the things I want to do. Sure, I worry terrorists are going to poison the water supply, but a girl has to drink. Yes, you’ll find a nervous twist of unlikely plots snaking through my brain when I’m sitting on an airplane. Who’s butt is most likely to be the most nutritious? Does that person have cookies in their carry-on? I hate that Mike has to drive out on the Beltway in middle of the night so often. People could be drunk. Cab drivers are nuts. What am I going to do if a police officer comes to the door to inform me he’s been killed. Where will I live? How will I survive?
None of those worries even scratch the surface.
Erik is probably fine. Really, it’s probably nothing. Truly, there’s no need to be concerned.
Oh, but, how about an MRI just to make sure he’s not brain damaged?
We wouldn’t want encephalitis to sneak up on us, now would we? Let’s just check it out to be safe.
Now I understand worry. I don’t want Erik to be brain damaged. I don’t want to consider the possibility that there’s something wrong. I can barely understand the ramifications. I can barely tolerate the thought.
His little tuft of hair isn’t looking nearly so cute now. Instead of being a silly little hairstyle, it’s the Tuft of Doom. I hate that tuft.
You can’t really tell in pictures, but it’s growing out of a raised bumpy area on his head. This bumpy area is in the mid-line of his skull. This could be caused by serious brain abnormalities. It’s probably not. It’s probably nothing. But it could be something.
I’ve been worried about that little spot since the day he was born, but everyone was quick to assure me that it was nothing–just a little birth mark. His doctor took note of it last time but wasn’t concerned. I felt confident that I had the brightest, sweetest, tuftiest kid on the block.
There’s two pediatricians in this practice but all our other visits have been with the younger one. I really like her a lot and we are on the same page about many things. I like the one we had today as well, but we are clearly not on the same page about anything. She was horrified that I don’t tuck MisterE in bed at 8 pm and call it a night. She was scandalized when I told her he sleeps more some days and less other days. She was stern and strict and told me I MUST adhere to a strict schedule even if it means he cries. I know crying it out is one method of sleep training. It is not my method and I’m not going to do it. And I’m not going to insist on an early bedtime. We are in a perfectly fine rhythm right now that means both baby and mommy get plenty of sleep. Why disrupt that when MisterE is perfectly happy, healthy and active except for the whole “possibly brain damaged’” thing.
The MRI is scheduled for March 13 at 8 am. That’s a whole month! A whole, long month of worrying and waiting and closely examining his every move to see if maybe, just maybe, there really is something wrong with him.
Everyone says having a child means your heart walking around outside your body. They are so right.
February 13th, 2006 at 10:42 am
We went through that with Offspring when she was having seziures. Keep thinking positive thoughts - if they were seriously worried, they wouldn’t be waiting a month. You’ll still worry, though.
February 13th, 2006 at 10:51 am
I absolutely agree that if you have a routine that works for you and your son, keep on doing what works! We pushed our son into a strict schedule when he was an infant because we thought it was the “right” thing to do and it sucked. Over and over again.
With our daughter, we have a routine, but the strict schedule is out the freaking door. We couldn’t roll with the changes otherwise.
One of the hardest things is waiting! Still don’t understand how they can freak you out like that and then make you WAIT for results! I’ll be thinking good thoughts and sending them your way for MisterE.
February 13th, 2006 at 11:47 am
That’s pretty awful. My daughter had to have an MRI once, but it was ‘we’re in the ER, she needs an MRI/ she’s having the MRI/ we don’t see any brain damage’ in a matter of hours–no waiting for a month! Can you get a second opinion? And can a second opinion make it happen faster, if it’s needed?
February 13th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
I can’t believe they are making you wait that long! I’ll be thinking of you guys and hoping everything turns out just fine.
February 13th, 2006 at 6:43 pm
Welcome to motherhood! It’s in your job description to worry about every little thing. Even doctors worry about their own kids. The worries just get more creative. :)
My infant daughter has a crazy butt-crack (sorry, but it’s true) The first few months, I kept remembering my medical textbooks that detail how these sorts of oddities can be associated with spine and intestinal deformities. The pediatrician says its nothing but do I still worry? Of course! I’m a mom :)
Sometimes the worrying is over nothing but sometimes it keeps the doctors from eff-ing up and missing something important. Once this is over, they will be a new worry to take its place. Just don’t worry about worrying. %-)
February 14th, 2006 at 4:59 am
I’m sending you hugs. I was there when I found that lump in Fae’s back. The waiting was the most horrible part. It turned out to be fine, and so will Erik!
February 14th, 2006 at 10:26 am
Peter had that same outfit with the green sleeves and the car on the front - it is the one that he wore for his 11 week portrait. i don’t know if I shared that portrait but I always loved the little car on the front.
Now, at 10 1/2 months, he is in 18 month clothes, going on 24 months. He is a BIG boy.
Glad to hear that MrE is growing so great!
Jen
February 14th, 2006 at 2:42 pm
*hugs*