Queen of Rambles

I am so glad I’m able to write an entry tonight (knock on wood). Last night we were dealing with the baby from Hell and there was no way to take a half hour break and gather together a set of coherent thoughts. When the devil takes over our child we try to work in ten minute shifts, which feel like an absolute eternity to the one trying all the fuss-busting techniques, yet are the blink of an eye for the one who’s hiding in the bedroom with her fingers stuffed in her ears. I think the poor boy had a bellyache, but none of our standard comforting measures worked. He finally fell asleep about midnight and didn’t wake back up until 4 am. I was thrilled! Four hours of sleep! That’s unprecedented. Mike was not so happy, since he had to get up at six for work.

Can you believe I started Christmas shopping on Saturday and am already DONE DONE DONE! I am going to buy my nephew Good Night Moon, but that will be a pleasure since it means a trip to the bookstore so I’m claiming I am done. I would have been done completely, if buying Mike’s gift hadn’t turned into a major debacle that took 45 minutes. By the time I was finished I had to rush home to make sure my baby was still alive. Not that Mike would kill him, but mothers are crazy that way.

I would share the debacle with you, but I don’t think Mike would close his eyes and stop reading if I told him to. Suffice it to say, great deals are great, but not when the item is locked in a security room and the employee sent to fetch the hot steal walks slower than my grandmother who may have to have her leg cut off soon. Also, if you are super picky and want nice wedding photos (and who doesn’t?), please please please don’t trust Wal-Mart to make your prints. You won’t be happy, the employees will be frustrated, and the huge line of angry Christmas shoppers will be plotting your murder while you argue about small details that are absurd. Really, why do you need to argue when the employee GIVES YOU YOUR MONEY BACK? You didn’t have to pay for anything. You have zero loss. Let the line move forward! And you can’t claim that the head is cut off when everyone in line can see the head isn’t cut off! Sure, it was cropped pretty close, but everyone had their heads firmly attached. I hate you, stupid lady. Because of you, I didn’t have time to go to the bookstore and fondle my darlings.

Ok, I guess the “you” in that last little rant isn’t reading this, but let it be a lesson to . . . uh. . .someone who needs a lesson.

Last week I decided that my body is disgusting and it needs to go away. Today was Day One of Fat Banishment, but I’m not so sure it went that well. I managed to do 45 minutes on the elliptical without feeling the need to keel over dead and beg God to give me a skinny body in heaven, but I was so hungry by the time the workout was over I ate a big bowl of ice cream. At least we don’t have anymore ice cream in the house, so that won’t be an option tomorrow. I just love how I’ve elevated undermining myself to an art form. It won’t be so easy to undermine myself the rest of the week. All the sugary goodness has been gobbled up, so I won’t be able to stuff my craw with it even if I want to. I’m just so tired of dealing with my body. Bah bah bah bah. Why can’t I just take a vegetable peeler and carve myself into the shape I want to be? Of course, I’m not so good at carving and I would mess it up just like I messed up my 7th grade art carving project. We were given a little milk carton full of purple plaster of paris and told to carve it in to something. I started hacking away at it, completely unsure of what to carve. In the end I ended up with a crooked, ugly salt shaker that earned an F. Can you believe Miss Priss Perfect got an F? Oh how I cried, until my mom convinced me that it was ok to get an F since it wasn’t grading my brainpower. I hated art and that art teacher. Heck, I hated junior high. I’m so glad I’m a grown-up now and my artistic side has emerged through my quilting. Maybe I can find my old art teacher and cut off his thumbs with my rotary cutter.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 28th, 2005 at 6:45 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.