Queen of Rambles

I think I need to take a class on small talk. Or maybe I just need something like Being a Grownup 101.

Last night the little dinner party we attended was not so little after all. There were at least 20 people there, but only five women. You’d think with that small a group of women I would be able to find someone to talk to, but nope. I don’t know how to deal with adults. Throw me into a room with 30 kids of any age and I can “turn on.” Even if I am not in a position of authority, I know how to make small talk with children. I know the questions to ask. I know the silly, stupid jokes to tell. I don’t mind making an ass of myself.

Throw me in a room with grownups and I completely freeze up. I have no idea what to say, how to act, where to look. I find that even though I am having my usual weird thoughts, I am too shy to say them. I know people like me when I open up and show my inner personality, but I have a hard time doing so. My first two years of teaching all the other teachers thought I was dull in the extreme with not a single grain of humor in my body. They were shocked when I opened up that third year.

Why do I have this problem? I don’t know. I used to think it was a body image problem. Were they staring at my fat rolls? My giant zits? My dorky hair? Did I have spinach in between my teeth? Frankly, I don’t have that obsession over looks any more. I don’t think I look any better, but I’ve realized that most people are so concerned about their own looks that they don’t give a rat’s ass about mine just as long as I’m clean and groomed. And brush my teeth.

So basically the party last night was DULL DULL DULL. The host and hostess would talk to me occasionally when they had a moment, but they were busy with their other guests. Mike was off with the boys. The other women circled the wagons and didn’t try to include me at all. If I am with a friendly group of people I can usually unfreeze and act halfway normal, but if the group makes no move to include me I remain a frozen freak-scicle.

At the end of the evening one of the little girls puked all over the living room, so a ton of people left and things improved dramatically after that. The hostess and I sat down and had a nice chat and I really, really, really like her. We had dinner with them a couple of weekends ago and had a great time then, so it was fun to be able to talk to her again. It’s too bad they don’t live a little closer, but in this crazy place it’s hard to find buddies to run around with who live within a reasonable buddy-buddy distance. Perhaps it would be easier if I knew how to act like a grown-up.

I find it surprising that I was ever able to connect with Mike. I didn’t have a clue how to act when I first met him, so I just bluffed my way through it and he seemed to like it. I never thought I would be able to be myself in such an intimate way in front of another human. Somehow he never intimidated me. I’ve never lacked courage to speak my mind when in his presence. That’s a very good thing because I don’t think I would be capable of ever opening myself up to another person like I have opened myself up to him.

And now I suppose I better go take my morning shower since it’s 9 pm. We were supposed to go out and explore neighborhoods, but the weather was not good (severe thunderstorm this afternoon. . . ewww) so we lazed around all day. I did manage to squeeze in an elliptical workout, so at least I don’t feel like the day has been a total waste.

And guess what!!!! No work tomorrow!!! Spring break!!!

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 20th, 2005 at 6:05 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.