Sleep sleep and more sleep
Is it nap time yet? I slept way too late this morning, took an hour nap in the afternoon and am now ready for bed at 9:30 pm. Why? Maybe I’m pregnant. I could be. Today was the start of our “have a kid” plan. Scary! Mike is laughing at me and telling me I can’t feel symptoms ten minutes after the sperm delivery. Aren’t you glad Mike and I are starting on this adventure? Now you will get to hear me obsess about this for months on end. I will try not to do that. It must be very annoying.
I’ve got to say, after my initial fear I have really calmed down and am embracing the idea of having a child. I love children! Yes, it is still scary and I know that no one can ever really be prepared for the reality of the situation, but I think I’m more prepared than a lot of people. My hypothetical pregnancy shouldn’t be nearly as hard as my sister’s since I’m not diabetic. Really, I’m quite healthy. As Mike said, a lot of women really enjoy the feeling of a baby growing inside them. I’ve made the choice to do the same, should I ever become pregnant. So now we just get to have a lot of fun trying (and hoping we don’t run in to any problems).
I spent a good part of the morning working on my Dala Horse quilt block but it is still half finished. I may finish it up after I write this if I don’t go straight to bed. I don’t know why I am brain dead today, but I was making stupid, stupid mistakes that were just plain. . . well. . . stupid. Like putting the wrong sides of the fabric together and stuff like that. Dumb. Maybe I have some sort of brain virus that is making me lose my senses.
We did a lot more packing tonight and that is just exhausting. I ran across my college memory box and am shocked by the pictures. I always thought I was the fattest girl in the whole school and you know what? I was a little chubby but I wasn’t fat! And I wasn’t ugly either! In fact, I would have to say I was quite attractive. Why didn’t the boys ever want to date me? Ok, so there were a few that tried to date me, but I either thought A) they were joking or B) they were not my type (espesically the guy from Antigua who would always tell me how much he liked my butt). I only type this here so I can try to gain some perspective and apply it to my life today. If I write it down on “paper” and let other people see it, I find it is easier to believe. I have such a bad body image that it’s just ridiculous. Yesterday my dad and I were comparing our calves and I have bigger calves than him! Mine are pure muscle (the best part of my body) so they can’t be called “fat” but they sure are just plain BIG. I’m just having a kind of melt down day anyway–I am so ready to quit my exercise routine. I guess I’m just in a funk. I know it is good for me. I always take my blood pressure whenever I’m by one of those machines and my blood pressure and heart rate have gone down significantly. I was right on the border line for high, but now I’d say if anything I’m probably low. That’s the one thing that keeps me going when I want to quit–I may not be losing pounds but I am getting healthier and that’s important. I don’t want to have a stroke or heart attack before I’m at least 98.
This is a strange post. I feel like it is too much info on many different levels, but I’m going to post it anyway. I used to be angsty all the time and no one seemed to mind. I’m so glad I’m happy these days! Does that seem like some kind of a paradox or something?
July 6th, 2004 at 8:26 am
Not that you asked for my advice . . . But please don’t give up on your exercise! Having gone through a lot of the same body image issues as you (one of the reasons I enjoy reading your blog), I have found that as long as I consistently exercise (aim for 6 days a week), my body keeps working for me. Over the years I have gained and lost many pounds and when I decided weight is not the important thing, but my health and well-being should be the focus, things began to fall into place (I lost the weight and have kept it off for over ten years). One of the things that helps is consistency with exercise. You don’t always have to do the same things. I began as a runner but after hurting my back, I now just walk and do yoga. It helps to try different things on different days but I find the thing that works best for me is walking briskly at an incline on a treadmill while watching television for at least 45 minutes a day. It doesn’t put high impact on my muscles and joints, yet the back end just keeps getting tighter, legs get more toned all the time, and it even seems to keep my abdomen toned. I stopped losing weight years ago, but I keep going down in sizes because muscle weighs more than the fat it is replacing. In addition, that time I take for myself is an investment that pays off in everything else I do in more energy and a better attitude. It should be like brushing your teeth (which, although essential, can be a pain when you’re exhausted and just want to go to bed — or will make you 5 more minutes late to work — but would you not do it?). Also, it will make your pregnancy a lot easier, you won’t put on as much weight, and you’ll feel better about yourself. Trust me! Hope you don’t mind the lecture!