Queen of Rambles

I think I’m going to drive you all crazy with my talk about the NaNoNaNo (my new nickname for it) this month. At least it’s better than gall bladder talk, maybe. Or wedding talk. Or baby talk. I could definitely get into some baby talk. I need a baby. Can you believe that when I first moved here I told Mike I never wanted to have children? That was two years ago. What happened? Why am I contemplating kidnapping children and rubbing my face against their soft little bellies? I’m insane. Utterly insane. But my womb is now open for business after a long chemical induced hiatus and I hate that we aren’t doing anything about it. I may be crazy but I am smart and I do know that certain things need to happen first. Hopefully those things will happen in the next few months and I can have a baby before I hit 31.

Yikes! Where did that come from? Can we say baby lust? I thought so.

Ok, on with the show.

Ah yes, nanonano. What am I going to do about sharing it with others? I have a hard time writing if I don’t have an audience but I don’t want to force others to read my drivel (when I write fiction it really is drivel). I also am not sure how many people I want to have access to my ideas. I read the NaNo forums and many, many people there are hard core fan fiction writers. I just think that if people don’t mind “stealing” from established writers they won’t mind stealing from me. I don’t want that to happen. I will probably never be published in the fictional realm, but I think it’s a really bad idea to have writing floating around on the open web if there’s any chance at all that I might want to do something with it. So far the best idea I’ve come up with is to make a new friend’s only LiveJournal, disable the comments and keep the writing behind a cut. That way if anyone is really interested in reading my story I can add them to my friends list. Total control. I like that. If I disable the comments no one will feel obligated to comment (if they really have something to say they can figure out an alternate route to my in box) and I can delude myself into thinking that I owe my many adoring fans the next installment. I don’t know though. Do I want to share at all? As ironic as it may seem, I hate sharing my writing. Somehow my fictional writing seems much more personal than my diary writing, even though my diary is a very intimate portrait of my life and my fictional writing is just nonsense. My brain works in mysterious ways.

And now it’s time for that “What did Carrie do today” segment of the journal.

Water aerobics!!! I’m always happy when I get to do those. I totally forgot they were starting an hour early until 10 minutes before the start time. I was still in my robe so had to scurry scurry but I made it into the pool with exactly one minute to spare. I realized as I was running over there that I hadn’t even brushed my hair or my teeth. Good thing I had a hat on! And even better that the old ladies aren’t interested in talking to me. I would’ve knocked them over.

Then it was off to Annica’s for a knitting lesson. I was totally ending my piece wrong so she got me going and I now have completed the back of my baby sweater! I promise I will take a picture one of these years. I am overly proud of myself and think I may even finish this project. It’s weird that at 29 years of age I’m finally starting to discover who I am and what I like. I think it’s because I only talk with encouragers in my daily life. All the people important to me (both online and in person) tell me I’m great and treat me with respect and enthusiasm. When Annica finds an error in my knitting she shows me the errors in her knitting and convinces me that it doesn’t matter in the larger scheme of things. That has made all the difference. When I was a kid I used to try to take up hobbies but my Granny always made me feel like shit about them. She’s a perfectionist and expects everyone else to be a perfectionist. My mom never took up any sort of sewing because she wasn’t good enough, thus my Granny was my teacher. If I’d miss one little stitch in my cross stitching she’d freak out and tell me I was no good. Thus I hated cross stitching. It was like that with everything. Can you tell my Granny had way too much influence in my life? But now I’m free of her and have people who kindly and calmly teach me new skills. I’m so glad I am learning to relax and roll with the punches and just enjoy the act of creating even if my product has a few lumps and bumps. I think I need to join some sort of Perfectionists Anonymous group. I know I am way too hard on myself in many respects but I’m getting better.

I’m sure full of tangents tonight, aren’t I?

Really, there’s not much else to say. I drove home in a mini-blizzard and thought I was going to slide down the big hill that leads to our building. There was a van in front of me going about 20 km/hr and that just doesn’t work when you are trying to get a stick shift car up a very slippery hill.

And now the Matrix is playing on TV and I don’t understand it any better now than I did the first time I saw it. I think my mind is too logical. The whole plot premise doesn’t make any sense to me. If they all know they are illusions or whatever it is they are, why does only one have the power to not die? It is just stupid. I guess I’m not hip enough for modern society. I’ll just go be my granny self and work on my baby sweater sleeves. Isn’t it ironic that I’m making a blue sweater but Mike and I are both 100% certain that we’ll have a daughter. I don’t know why we think that, but it just feels that way. Here’s another odd thing. The other day I was trying to name my nano main character and I asked Mike to give me a good American female name. Right when I asked him I thought “Sarah” and two seconds later he said “Sarah”. What are the odds? I guess my main character has to be named that now even though I was originally wanting something a little more exotic.

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 30th, 2003 at 9:59 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.